Day 7: Private Investigations

Your head feels heavy, you take another puff of your cigarette, or attempt too. You forgot you quit ten minutes ago, but you always quit ten minutes ago, and the plastic straw you use to replace it whistles a solemn tune when you inhale. The "bzzzzzzz" and "zzzzap" of the large neon light flashes its blue hue on the wall, and you can barely make out the backwards letters of "ycnacav", although after all these years, you've seen these images over and over again in your mind. The late nights, the booze, the women, the drugs, the fame, the fortune, the downfall, the pain, the different names, but yet all the same.

You reach down to open the desk drawer and fumble around for a bottle of whiskey, and find them all empty but one, with a note taped to it. You tilt your hat back and uncover your eyes and take a look, "Boss, the big leagues called, they need an investigator, someone to find the truth about drugs in baseball. They want to know if you're up to the job. They set up an information hotline, which will be operated by the newly assigned 'Department of Investigations', and also the words, "You forgot to feed Hrabosky again.

You turn your chair around and in the corner is a mangy long haired mutt, who perks up and growls angrily at you when he hears the squeal of your chair turning. You reach into your drawer and pull out some beef jerky and throw it his way. Pounding into the leather of the jerky with his gritted teeth, he seems appeased for the moment.

You pick up the phone and call the information hotline, and hear a prerecorded message telling you about the new Department of Investigations that the Commissioner Bud Selig has created. The recording continues on... "The Department of Investigations will have critically important responsibilities in protecting the integrity of our sport," Selig said. "Major League Baseball will continue to act on all of [former] Senator [George] Mitchell's recommendations as part of our continued efforts to prevent the illegal use of performance-enhancing substances."

You put the receiver down and punch the speaker-phone button, and lay your head down, and continue to listen to the message..."The creations of the Department of Investigations and the information hotline were among the recommendations made in the Mitchell Report on the illegal use of steroids and other performance-enhancing substances by players in Major League Baseball. Mitchell noted in the report that "the ability to investigate vigorously allegations of performance-enhancing substance violations is an essential part of any meaningful drug prevention program."

Fading in and out of sleep, you hear the end of the message, "Other duties of the Department of Investigations will include interacting with law enforcement authorities, administering training for players and club personnel, and establishing policies that ensure the integrity and independence of its investigations. The Office of the Commissioner also will adopt a policy requiring that all information received by club or Commissioner's Office personnel regarding possible performance-enhancing substance use -- separate from drug testing procedures -- must be reported immediately and directly to the head of the Department of Investigations...."

You reach your arm out and blindly start pushing buttons in hopes that this will end the connection and bring peace to a long day, and can't help wonder if MLB is wondering the same.

BSOD 7: Private Investigations
Artist: Dire Straits
Album: Love Over Gold
Released: 1982

Private Investigations Lyrics

Its a mystery to me
The game commences
For the usual fee
Plus expenses
Confidential information
Its in a diary
This is my investigation
Its not a public inquiry

I go checking out the report
Digging up the dirt
You get to meet all sorts
In the line of work
Treachery and treason
Theres always an excuse for it
And when I find the reason
I still cant get used to it

And what have you got at the end of the day ?
What have you got to take away ?
A bottle of whisky and a new set of lies
Blinds on the window and a pain behind the eyes

Scarred for life
No compensation
Private investigations



View MLB Story on the Dept of Investigations